Three Days of Hell
by LunaStories
Summary: There were four things that you could never take away from Sanji, they are: Women, cooking, cigarettes, and...cussing. So what happens when Chopper diagnoses Sanji with the sickness, Cussiritis? Will Sanji ever say his beloved curse words again? Or will he wallow in despair at not being able to insult his favorite Marimo? Warnings: Implied Zoro/Sanji, Humor, Extreme Crack. Language
1. Prologue

**A/N: I've been sick for 4 days now and I'm finally a little better! :) I usually update once every three days or have a new story by that time but I was really sick D: I'm sorry :(**

**Anyways, on a happier note, I had this awesome idea in my head! So I decided to write it down. This is actually one of my fics that I'm pretty proud of, cus it's one of my favorite ideas :D Please enjoy :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece!**

**Warnings: Extreme Crack. And I mean it, it's pretty random. Slight Zoro/Sanji, for those people that have not realized yet, 98% of my stories will have at least a drop of Zoro/Sanji in them so deal with it :D, Bad words and Bad language **

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"WHAT?" exclaimed an exasperated Sanji in the infirmary.

"Yes." sighed Chopper as he packed up his equipment. "It seems you have contracted Cussiritis."

"So…what are you saying? Am I sick? Is it fatal?" Sanji let himself fall onto the bed in a sitting position, he was shocked. Never in his life has he ever been sick. This could most definitely not be happening.

"No, you're not sick and it's not fatal. The cause of this disease is excess cussing. In other words, when you say too many bad words then you have a high chance of getting it." Chopper sat down on his chair and proceeded to explain more about the sickness. "It's not fatal…but you may not like the side effects…" Chopper fidgeted with his hooves and avoided Sanji's eyes.

_This can not be good._ Thought Sanji as he swallowed in fear (But he would never admit it).

"So…what are the side effects?" asked Sanji as he steeled himself for the consequences.

"Well…" started Chopper hesitantly but continued when Sanji crossed his arms impatiently. "The effects last three days starting tomorrow: The first day, if you attempt to cuss, what will come out instead is a word that sounds similar to it. The second day, you will say things in a more…professional style. The third day, and this is the one you must watch out for, you will say what you truthfully think."

Sanji raised an eyebrow in confusion; all he got from that was that he wouldn't be able to cuss. It would ruin his image if he couldn't!

"Is there a cure?" asked Sanji, he was determined to get rid of this sickness.

"Unfortunately, one has not been found yet. You just have to wait it out." Chopper sighed and pulled his hat a little lower; as the ship's doctor, he felt it was his responsibility to keep the crew healthy but it seems he failed…

Sanji noticed Chopper's depression and walked over to him to pull him into a hug off of his chair. Chopper squeaked in surprise before returning the hug.

After a few more seconds of this, Sanji placed Chopper back on the floor and stepped back while Chopper looked at him in confusion. "Listen, it's not your fault that I got this sickness. I got it from cussing too much, you can't exactly control that. Don't worry about it." He softly smiled and leaned down to pat Chopper on his hat before walking out to prepare dinner since it was night already.

As Sanji busied himself with cooking, he thought about his current problem.

_Well, it doesn't matter, it's just three days. And besides, as long as the crew doesn't know it's okay._

Why doesn't he want the crew to know, you ask?

First reason is because he always cusses and it would be bad for his image if he didn't.

Second reason is because he just KNOWS that the crew would mess with him on purpose if they knew.

_Yes, it's a very good thing that the crew doesn't know._ He smiled to himself in relief and continued cutting the vegetables to prepare for dinner.

Oh, but little did he know that a certain sniper that can never keep his mouth shut had just heard everything.

TBC

**A/N: I originally intended this to be a one-shot but I always do my chapters all in one go. And since I currently don't have enough energy to do that, I've decided to make this a two-shot. And no, cussiritis is not a real sickness, I made it up for the sake of this story :) The next chapter, Sanji's suffering starts…*smirks evilly***


	2. Hell Begins

**A/N: So this is the next chapter :) Not much to say so enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

**Warnings: Like before, extreme crack and humor. I suggest you don't eat or drink anything or else you might spit it all over what ever you are reading this on. Slight Zoro/Sanji. Very bad language. You have been warned… This is almost like a drabble because it is extremely random.**

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_Day 1…_

Sanji woke up to another wonderful morning full of work and cooking and whatnot.

As he dressed in his usual suit he realized that the room was lacking in noise; as in no snoring and sleep talking.

He looked around and saw that it was completely empty.

_Well, that's weird…_ thought Sanji as he finished buttoning his suit, he walked toward the Galley and tried to open the door…only to get his hand all sticky with a weird gum-like substance.

What he meant to say: "Fuck, what the hell?"

What came out: "Fudge, what the gell?"

He immediately slapped a hand (The one that was not sticky) over his mouth as his eyes widened.

_So this is what Chopper meant by words that sound the same…Crap I am so screwed._

He groaned before opening the door and got ready to cook breakfast.

Usopp, who was hiding behind the Mikan trees, snickered and high-fived his accomplices which included the whole crew from Luffy to Brooke; even Robin and Zoro had been dragged into it, though Zoro was more willing since this included messing with the cook.

Pranks like this were played on Sanji throughout the day and he didn't even realize that the crew was doing this just to mess with him.

_When Zoro 'accidentally' cut Sanji's suit as he walked by…_

What Sanji meant to say: "You son of a bitch! That was my favorite suit!"

What came out: "You son of a demented unicorn! That was my favorite suit!"

Zoro burst out laughing while Sanji turned bright red in embarrassment.

"Demented unicorn…!" said Zoro between laughs. "That's a new one!"

What Sanji meant to say: "Sh-shut up!"

What came out: "S-Seashells!"

Zoro laughed so hard that Chopper had to come over and stop him before he died from laughing.

Sanji blushed even harder and went into the sanctuary of his Galley…only to have Usopp shoot a rotten egg into his face. Sanji flailed around as the gunk got in his eyes and he couldn't see.

Usopp gave a thumbs up to Luffy who stuck his leg out and tripped Sanji before both of them ran out of the Galley but was still close enough to hear what Sanji was going to say.

What Sanji meant to say: "Fuck! What is this…?"

What came out: "Freight trains! What is this…?"

Usopp and Luffy ran off giggling, to tell the others about another new phrase that Sanji had invented.

Sanji walked over to the sink and washed his face carefully to get the gunk out.

_I don't get it._ Thought Sanji as he slowly rubbed his eyes with water. _How in the world is unicorn even remotely close to bitch? The same applies to freight trains… Come to think of it, weird things have been happening today…_

He grabbed a towel and wiped his face as he thought about his growing suspicion that there was something wrong.

"Sanji! Bring me some orange juice please!"

"Hai! Nami-swan~!" replied Sanji as he floated to and fro, getting the materials to make a fresh glass of orange juice for his beloved goddess.

_Meh, it must be my luck. I just have very bad luck today. _And just like that, Sanji shrugged off his suspicions and went out to serve Nami her orange juice.

Later on that day, they encountered some marines and had an immense battle, resulting in Zoro getting his whole left side slit. Chopper stitched him up and chastised him about being more careful and prohibited him from doing any form of exercise, but of course, it wasn't like Zoro would listen to him.

_Day 2..._

Sanji yawned and sat up in his hammock, rubbing his eyes while looking around the room. He realized in amazement that again, the room was empty. He tilted his head to one side in confusion.

_Seriously, what's wrong with those idiots these days…are they sick?_ He wrinkled his forehead in concern as he realized that with their weird ass behavior, they might just be sick.

_Well, no point worrying about it. Besides, Chopper would already be fussing over them if they were sick…The only one sick on this whole damn ship is me…_

He sobered up at that thought and got ready to go prepare breakfast.

As he walked from the room to the Galley, he noticed Zoro doing push ups on the lawn and sneering, walked over to him and lit a cigarette.

Zoro paused in his one thousandth something pushup when he recognized the polished black shoes in field of vision. He stood up and stared into Sanji's eyes, as if daring him to say something.

When Sanji opened his mouth to insult him, what came out was something neither of them expected.

What he wanted to say: "Oi, shit-head, Chopper said not to exercise. But of course, a muscle head like you wouldn't understand what 'no exercise' means."

What came out: "I assume that you do know the consequences of your actions? Doctor Chopper already stated quite clearly that you are not to do any form of exercise for fear that your many stitches will burst from the pressure. Though a person like you who constantly toils and enhances his muscles would not be able to understand very simple orders, now would you?"

Sanji slapped a hand over his mouth to stop the flow of very professional sounding sentences and blushed crimson.

What happened next involved a mass loss of blood from burst stitches due to the fact that a certain individual seemed unable to stop laughing. Of course, afterwards, Chopper turned into Heavy Point and tied Zoro to the infirmary bed to stop him from bursting more stitches. Sanji decided that it was best to just ignore the world and cook.

Though many weird events such as random rotten eggs flying out of nowhere toward his face and he getting tripped several times by a rope that looked suspiciously like Luffy's rubber arm happened throughout the day, he managed to keep his mouth shut and not insult anything.

_Day 3..._

The light spilled through the cracks in the wooden door of the Boy's Bunkroom and Sanji was once again up to make breakfast for the day. Again, the room was empty, but by this time, he was pretty much used to it.

He headed toward the Galley and yet again, he saw Zoro on the lawn, shirtless, lifting weights. His first impulse was to go over there and insult Zoro but he resisted it. It wasn't until his concern for Zoro bursting another stitch overwhelmed him that he allowed his feet to take him to Zoro. He stood there and after what seemed like forever, Zoro finally made eye contact with him. He put down his weights and grabbing the towel around his neck, started wiping the sweat on his chest. Sanji opened his mouth to speak.

What he wanted to say: "Marimo-head, you shouldn't be lifting weights like an idiot out here. You should go back in the infirmary where you belong since you're so weak you always get hurt."

What came out: "Zoro, can you not lift weights on the lawn shirtless? Are you trying to make me attack you? That sweat dripping down your exposed chest…that ass…it should be sinful to be that sexy! I won't be able to resist any longer if you don't stop."

The background sounds of Luffy playing tag with Usopp and the crew doing their own stuff stopped. Everyone stared in shock at Sanji.

Zoro smirked, and using the towel, pulled Sanji to him until he they were face to face.

"Then don't" replied Zoro, before claiming Sanji's mouth.

It wasn't until Zoro had his tongue in Sanji's mouth did he realize what he had said and what he was doing.

Sanji shoved Zoro off of him and wiped his mouth with his arm before speaking.

What he wanted to say: "You pervert!"

What came out: "Mmmm…That was good…More…"

"Gladly." came the reply from Zoro but before Zoro could get his hands on Sanji again, he disappeared into the Galley.

"Ch. Too bad, maybe I'll get more later…" said Zoro as he bent down and continued lifting weights as if nothing happened while the rest of the crew stared at him, shell-shocked.

Meanwhile, a certain cook was cooking at lightning speed while wallowing in the depths of denial.

_Day 4..._

That morning, Sanji woke up to a room full of snoring and sleep talking.

_I kind of missed this…_ thought Sanji as he got dressed and headed toward the Galley…only to bump into Zoro's chest when he stepped into the Galley.

"Wh-" started Sanji but was interrupted with a mouth on his. Zoro pushed him until his back was against the door and proceeded to ravish his mouth. He involuntarily moaned into the kiss and Zoro, taking this as an invitation, used his hands and started touching Sanji all over.

_Well, this doesn't seem all that bad…Guess I can live with it…Huh. _Sanji almost laughed into the kiss because of a sudden thought but barely stopped himself. _Three days of Hell and I get this…not bad for compensation…_

**A/N: So I hope you guys liked that! I'm totally spoiling you people :P Three stories in one day…Well what ever! You guys deserved it! xD Oh, and I had to change the title so it would match the ending…:D**


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